A Taste of what’s Wrong with American Bitches

(This should be a series.  I’m thinking: “Fucked-up Examples of What We’re Doing Wrongly”.  We’ll see.)

Today, I’m critiquing this fucked-up dating site commercial that I seem to get inundated with whenever I try to catch up on The Daily Show or The Colbert Report on Hulu.  This thing makes me sick… and it’s things like these that make women with Moms that are ladies in America eventually forsake their upbringings and become bitches.  So, without further retching, here are all the things that are wrong with this commercial…

1.  Girl relaxes on couch; guy works feverishly at computer –  For all intents and purposes, that Heart clearly represents Couch Girl’s idea of men.

Yeah – I know they told you it was “her” heart, but if so – why not voice it with a female?  (Because then even one female in the commercial would be feverishly working… and we know we can’t have that now, don’t we?)  Plus, if they seriously wanted us to believe that the voice in her heart is a male, what does that say about her?  Is she a smart-alecky tomboy or a lesbian?  And if she’s a lesbian, why would she even want “Brad”?  See?  My first conclusion makes a hell of a lot more sense than that.

But back to the main point – chubby Couch Girl (CG) relaxing and reading a magazine on the couch while her idea of men is working feverishly for her – IS WRONG!  If you want to have any men come to your dating site that aren’t pussy-whipped little douchenozzles, then why not show CG actually doing the search herself?  Or for fuck’s sake – at least voice her heart with a female!

2.  The Heart dialogue is female-chauvinistic and pandering –  (I have to preclude the word “chauvinistic” with “female-” because most people don’t know chauvinism works both ways… as it does in this commercial.)

“Hi, Brad!  I’m Liz.” – Because of course, CG would obviously introduce herself first.  Given the weak-willed bastards that would watch this commercial and still sign up for this misandristic site, that’s probably correct.  Still, it doesn’t make it right.  A real man will always introduce himself first; and a real lady will wait for him to do so.

“Hi, Liz.  Gosh, you’re even prettier than your picture.” – Because let’s skip the reflexive formality of repeating his name as you’re obviously the center of attention, and must be hyperbolically complimented for you to respond to him at all.

3.  Because the Heart is representative of men, it must wait and hang on CG’s approval –  Notice the loooooong pause after the Heart has made a case for Brad which you know (if it truly is supposed to be her heart) CG must already agree with.  This is yet another reason I know the Heart represents her idea of men – she has to keep it waiting… even if she agrees already!  This is a bullshit passive-aggressive power move, gentlemen – and if any bitch ever tries this shit with you, you’d better dump her ass faster than a spoiled fish sandwich, because there are still ladies out there waiting to be courted!

4.  CG makes an absolute production out of being nonchalant –  Notice how “Queen CG” (in her mind, at least!) stares at Heart, silently reaches for her coffee mug, and then finally “allows” Heart to book the date.  Listen here, “Queenie”: your chubby-faced, flat-chested ass has no business being that selective!  (That’s another recent trend that irritates me: completely AVERAGE [to UGLY] American chicks thinking that they’re “all that”.  Sorry, Mo’Nique – you’re no Angel Lola Luv!  These American bitches are selling shit sandwiches at Bellagio prices, and worse still, finding chumps willing to PAY!!)

This all goes back to that whole “Princess Complex” I was talking about before.  Without actually earning any respect, CG thinks she’s worthy of making her idea of all men everywhere hang on her every word… as if we give a damn!  I hope you did book the date, CG – and I hope Brad saw your ugly, chubby ass from down the block and ran the other direction!

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Seriously, this kind of shit happens all the time on American TV… and it needs to stop!  For all my gentlemen readers, stay FAR away from this dating site, as you will NOT find any ladies there!  Ladies, you won’t find any real men there, either – so best to just pass it up as well.  Bitches, feel free to go there… all the pussified asswipes you could ever trick into buying you dinner are sure to be waiting.